That's when I said... Whoa. Who is this. What are you doing here, Karen. Is this how you want to be? Is this what you want to feel every waking moment? Life is too short. LET. IT. GO. And what are you holding on to, exactly.... do you even know? How often have we all heard that simple concept. Let It Go.
Even though I said those things to myself last night.... I again found myself aggravated this morning about something that's not all that important in the grand scheme of things. And to be honest.. I was just about to type the offense and my defense at the unjust behavior here in this post. But again... it really does come back to... do I want to feel this way? These things are gonna happen in life... it is what it is. People have issues, people struggle. They react because of their own baggage, usually has nothing to do with those they react to unjustly, Do I let it consume me or do I LET IT GO.
Hard, hard thing... this kind of change, and yet it seems like it should just be so simple.
So here I go again... I'm going to try like hell to Let It Go.. and just be and do and see and hear and BREATHE. Maybe -feel- with a little less hurt and a little more empathy.
Speaking of which - Update on my Dad - he is settling in at the nursing home - a good and upbeat one by most standards. He is subdued, and sits most hours of the day in his lounge chair stairing at the TV in a dark room. We introduced him to a few very nice men who live at the same facility. He has yet to reach out, but he might at some point. He has a beautiful window that he keeps drawn closed. My hope is that he finally learns to reach out and expand his life to include others in a way that will enrich his own. Is it the ending to a life story he would choose? No. But he steered the ship to where it landed and I'm doing the best I can to make his ship-ashore experience a comfortable one. Although our relationship was a strained one, it really does feel good to do right by someone, for no other reason than to know that you are showing some mercy, compassion,, doing some good.
I think.. I hope.. I actually pray... that I am finding my way there. Suddenly it feels like it. Thank you for all your kind words. I so appreciate each of your perspectives. We all live a similar and yet different experience coming from all different places and sharing those things opens us up to a bigger perception. Amen.
Karen, you are in a very tough position and I feel for you. I'm sorry it's taking a toll on you like this--I think it would anyone. Good for you for taking a step back and assessing your behavior. That's not fun. I would imagine the tension with your mother is coming from her wanting to protect you more than you're willing to emotionally protect yourself. That's based on my highly sensitive tool of thinking I know everything :) haha. I hope you're still taking time to love your surroundings and the creative pursuits that are good for your soul. Sending my best!
ReplyDeleteI'm here for you 'cause I love you.
ReplyDeletexoxo
I'm so sorry you've been under so much stress. Letting go can be so hard. I recently -outoftheblue- was able to let go of something that has dragged me down for at least the past 10 years if not more. I'm not sure how it all happened. But suddenly, it's okay, and that feels good. Part of me worries the old thinking may return, but I'm hopeful that this is truly it. I hope you find your peace soon.
ReplyDeleteYou are a wonderful woman, I highly respect your ability to grow. Im going to pass on information that has helped me. "Anger is a secondary emotion, you must find the emotion that that precludes your anger ie hurt, humiliation, sadness, ect." Those are the feelings we need to pay attention to and address, that is to flagpole to growth. That is how we can move on. Part of Letting go is acknowledging the the thing that is making us upset.
ReplyDeleteFor what its worth, take it or leave it.
Best Wishes to you, may you find peace.
You're doing just fine. Hang on - it's a process..handling the process is the goal, not having completion. I know...18 years and counting, and some days are still a struggle and each year is better than the last so just keep moving forward <3
ReplyDeleteYou're doing so well with this- its hard and heavy to carry!
ReplyDeleteTwo things that came to mind that I have used to help me in those angry moments... "Stop burning daylight..." Anger will steal your joy, your peace, your everything if you let it. We work on using this in our therapy group, because as cancer patients with a terminal diagnosis, we're continually going to get less than desirable news.
The other thing I try to do, is ask myself, 6 months from now will this matter? Usually, no. It just helps shift perspective at times.
I already see the growth in you- pretty amazing- just keep going!
I just want to say that I admire what you are doing for your Dad ... he probably does, too, but he can't express it. Accept him for who he is, in his chair, with the drapes closed, alone by choice in a place where he could have friends.
ReplyDeleteOne thing that has helped me in dark/stressful times is to sit and consciously be thankful for one positive thing that happened during the day. It may be something as simple as being thankful for someone who let me out in traffic. Be present ... live in the moment as much as you can.
Karen, as someone who has been in your shoes (as so many, many others), I only hope that you continue to let it go. Sometimes day to day simple, small things, trigger a deeper wound. Walking has always cleared mu head...keep the dog happy...:)JP
ReplyDeleteAww...Karen. I have had to learn to Let It Go, too, on so many levels. If we don't it just eats us up...and turns us into someone we don't want to be. They say that anger is just fear manifesting itself and I do believe that to some extent. Fear that we have NO control over some things- especially if we are used to controlling what is happening in our lives. I felt that same anger towards my mother that you are feeling towards your father. I did right by my mother, too, for as long as I could and never regretted it. I do regret sometimes that I didn't do more but it is what it is.
ReplyDeleteHang in there and take it one moment at a time---deep breaths when those angry thoughts raise their bitter heads and ride over them to the other side where, hopefully, you will find some calm waters. xo Diana
Karen,
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry to hear this has been going on. I haven't been out and about in the blogging world lately and had to read back to see what was happening with your dad. You are a good person and my heart is breaking for you right now in all this. Yes, let it go. But doing that is so hard.
We were told it takes about six weeks for "them" to perk up and start to like the nursing home. Family problems and issues tend to make anyone snappish. You'll be fine in a couple of weeks.
ReplyDeleteYou are acknowledging and (in my opinion) that's huge. If anyone can rationalize this and make a change, you can.
ReplyDeleteWise old saying from the Far East: "Let go of judgment, let go of expectation. Be here now!" M
ReplyDeleteIt's always hard to make changes in your thinking and behavior but realizing you must is the first step to achieving the changes.
ReplyDeleteNo words of advice from me that others haven't said already :)
Love to you.
Oh boy...this stuff is so much harder than it seems like it should be. So many raw emotions. I've been there, not exactly what you're going through, but the loss of my parents and all the details, dealing with siblings and on and on...I did not handle myself well, many times either. I just did what I thought was best at the time. Hindsight is always clearer. One thing I know from reading your writing, is that you have a good heart. Bottom line - you are doing the best that you know how to do. Is it perfect? Not even close. I will keep you in my prayers. I pray that you are kinder to yourself first, and that you take those moments every day that are necessary for you to step away, to just be. I'm a snapper too. I hate it. But I always do it. And like you, I feel a measure of guilt and remorse afterwards. Whether your dad will ever admit it to you or not, he knows that you're doing everything for his sake. That isn't even what matters in the end. The fact is that you are a kind and loving person who is trying to treat someone who likely doesn't deserve it; some love, respect and empathy when they need it the most. No one can ever fault you for not doing everything (or anything) perfectly. The blessings will come because you try. Big hugs to you my fellow daughter. Try spending more time outside walking your dog. They have some pretty big shoulders for you to talk to, and even cry to. I am so sorry that you're having to go through this, but it will end. You just have to go through it, to get past it. *sigh*
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading your post. I believe that every one of us has the ability to grow. Part of letting go is acknowledging the the thing that is making us upset. Focus on positive things and always be thankful for what you have. Smile often. You can get through it. Happiness on your way!
ReplyDeleteAnger is hard. It takes a lot out of us. I think I'm doing okay, and then I snap and I see that I've been burying it. I've taken to walking in the evenings, even though it's cold and dark, just to get rid of the tension, anxiety and anger I harbor. It's so hard.
ReplyDelete