Invisible

   When you're not extremely old and your voice sounds fairly normal,  being hearing impaired is an invisible handicap that can frustrate others as well as yourself.  I'm not using the word "deaf" because I do still hear some things....this hearing impairment of mine is such a strange thing.  According to the various hearing specialists I've seen,  I am deaf.  Language deaf in particular.  What -language deaf- means is I don't hear all the parts of speech anymore, so when someone is talking to me it sounds as if they've got both hands over their mouth or like I'm hearing their voice through water.  I've lost all mid and high tones completely, so I hear only the base of things, music included.  To top off that annoyance, I have tinnitus...  bells and whistles, crickets, chirps and tweets go off all the time in my ears, 24-7.   That's my brain's way of  creating the sound it knows I should be receiving from my ears. Since no sound is coming from my ears, my brain MAKES the sound to compensate.  Crazy, right? 

     For me, the loss of music is the worst. I used to play instruments and absolutely loved music, so many forms of it, too.  Sometimes I can still tell you what song is playing in my vicinity just by the base it presents. The song itself I know only from memory. 

     So.. the invisible part.  When you have a handicap that's invisible.. more often than not, you are on the receiving end of other people's frustration with you, not their sympathy.  Now, I don't want people's sympathy - Lord knows there are worse things in life than being "deaf'.  I am so grateful for the life I have, in so many ways.  There's no denying, though, that the frustration displayed by others on occasion gets old.   

   A few days ago I was at the grocery store and apparently the clerk asked me if I had any "gold coins".  I didn't hear her and kept looking down at my purse trying to find my scan card.  When I looked up she was staring at me with a pissed off look.   I recognized the look and said "I'm sorry, I'm hearing impaired. Did you say something?"... She then repeated the line, and because she wasn't using her mouth much I couldn't read her lips.   Not her fault, but I had to say it again... "still didn't get what you're saying, I apologize... can you try one more time? "   and she said loudly and clearly.. "are you for real?" The person behind me  kindly touched my arm, looked me right in the eye and spoke clearly using her mouth expressively... and I got what she was saying.  One stupid line took three minutes and a snarky comment to get past.

  My part time job is as editor of a local publication.  Part of my job is having to interview people to highlight their business here in town.  I have a very understanding employer, and because of the hearing issue, I conduct interviews through e-mail and it's worked out really well... most of the time.   I send a series of questions,  simple questions that are easy to answer, which are answered in return e-mail.. .. and I spin an article out of the info.  Sometimes... the message is lost on the person I've contacted for the interview.  

Recent conversation via e-mail:

 Good morning! Below you'll find a few questions regarding the profile article that will appear in the ____.  Please answer at your convenience in return e-mail and I will put together an article and get it back to you for review. 

 *I prefer to interview in person - call me. 

 I understand, but as we discussed earlier, I am hearing impaired and prefer to gather information via e-mail so that I have all the details correct.  Should only take a few minutes of your time, you have a week to get it back to me. Thank you! 

  *Can't you just call my secretary then?  I hate typing.

  I can't call her but if you forward this e-mail to her or give me her e-mail, she can answer the questions too. Whatever works is fine with me. 

*  How about you just come in and we can talk in my office? 

I understand that might be easier for you, but I will still be attempting to read your lips and write on the paper at the same time, I fear I won't get the information correct, really need the article to be accurate. 

* OH, I see.. just bring a tape recorder and you can write it down later! 

I won't be able to hear the tape later.  Any chance you can just type the answers to the few questions in an e-mail?  I pulled the rest off your website. 

    Mind you... all this was e-mail back and forth. Already he had typed almost as much as if he had just answered the questions initially in e-mail.  I haven't heard back yet... probably because he's frustrated. 

  Last Saturday night I took one of our dogs to the emergency vet. The jury is still out on whether she'll be OK, we go back to the vet today.   Anyway... the receptionist had multiple piercings on her lips, big hoops and little studs, my God that had to be uncomfortable.   As you can imagine, I'm staring at her lips to try to decipher what she's saying. I do this with anyone I meet.  She doesn't know this, of course, and by her demeanor it's clear she thinks I'm staring at her piercings and has taken offense.  I realize what's happening and say "I'm sorry - I am hearing impaired and need to read your lips to get through the conversation, that's why I'm staring at your mouth, I  should have explained, I apologize".     She then smiles and says.. .OOOH.... that's ok then!  I thought you were being rude. 

  I was chaperoning at one of my son's dances. A few other moms I had not met previously were there as well.  The next day I got an e-mail from a good friend -  "Hey,  I guess you were chaperoning with  (insertname) last night. She called me this morning and said - Wow,  M's mom is a real bitch. Several times when I tried making small talk she just flat out ignored me!.   My friend has a great sense of humor, laughed and said -  She's deaf!!.... and I had to laugh too. 

*sigh.  I hate rude people. I hate looking or behaving like a rude person, yet that's the impression people get around me on occasion. Sometimes I think I should just wear a sign that says - I'm deaf.    Out of frustration I actually had a tee shirt made that says  Deaf on the front, and Still Deaf on the back.  Then I realized it sounds like I'm frustrated, so I never wore it. 

     For my family, it's just as annoying for them as it is for me.  Can you imagine having to repeat yourself sometimes three and four times to get a simply line of communication across? Daily?  Or how about that closed caption scrolling across the bottom of the TV screen, always.   

    What I have to stop doing is the apologizing.  Bad habits are hard to break, though.  It's not other people's fault that they can't see my handicap, but it's not my fault that I'm deaf either.  I can't change my hearing status, but I can certainly stop apologizing for it.    NOTE TO SELF.