When the new way isn't the best way

   I'm 52 years old.  That means I grew up before cell phones, before personal computers, before the term "helicopter parent" was coined.   Raised in a suburb of the Big Apple, our neighborhood was our playground.  On weekends we were out in the 'hood till dinner time, then out again till the streetlights went on.  If  mom wanted me in, she called over the fence or rang the neighbors house in the vicinity of where we were playing.  Playing!.. kickball, tag, bikes, skateboards, House Boat in our neighbors lawnmower trailer (our seating consisted of peat moss bags and we considered it luxurious).  

   

   Twelve years was the standard age to begin babysitting, and being located in an apparently fertile neighborhood, there were many charges to "sit". My friends and I jumped right in to the babysitters pool as soon as we were of age.   At  fourteen I worked at the Staten Island zoo taking care of the ponies at the pony ride track.  I also cleaned house for an elderly neighbor and  at sixteen I waitressed at a catering hall near our home.   That might sound like a lot but it wasn't, not in that day.  Most everyone I knew was doing the same and if you're near my age or older, your story is probably similar.   It was expected of us, and we liked the feeling of making our own money, playing grown-up in this little way, learning.. what it means to be responsible, to be an adult.  

   In elementary school I  walked to and from the school with friends.  I was expected to get myself there and home again, along with  everyone else.  I  was bullied a little by a few local boys briefly, but figured out how to show them I wasn't taking their crap. (flipped one over my shoulder, as he tried taking my hat for the 15th time. We are friends to this day)  As teens we experienced a flare of racial tension at the high school and as I traveled to and from school on the public transit bus and joined a predominantly black track team, a few of those girls tried bullying me. I understood their problem with accepting me, they had experienced the ugliness of racism and it's hard to know who to trust, so the walls go up. Eventually we found our way to a mutual respect and then a friendship.  We had all figured out  how to turn it around, on our own. 

    Here's why I just typed all that out.  There's a trend I'm hearing and seeing in this community and it's happening all over the country - young people having a really difficult time in their teen years with anxiety, severe depression, eating disorders, behavioral issues, substance abuse.  It's not like those are new issues, but it seems to me and a few friends I've discussed this with, that they are far more prevalent now than they ever were before.   

   My son, now 21, came to have lunch with me at the house today.  I asked him what he thought about this particular issue and what he said kinda shocked me, and then made a heck of a lot of sense.   

  " Kids today have everything done for them.  Anything goes wrong, mom or dad sweep in and take care of it.   When we were in High School, how many kids actually had a job besides school?  Not very many.  Even in college, how many had a job?   The schools are set up now in a way that if there's any problem whatsoever, the school steps in and manages the crisis or doesn't allow the scuffle or makes a team or award all about equal time or participation instead of earned accomplishment.  So when a real life crisis comes along or a goal is hard to reach,  and those factors like parent or school aren't in the vicinity to manage it, the kid has no tools to manage it for himself.  He/she doesn't know what to do because he/she has never had to figure it out for himself. "  

  He continued...  "Social Media is a bad influence- most people post their very best selves, so all you see is a perfect life on the screen, not all the realities. It's  not an honest picture of real life.  You're feeling insecure about your looks or your life and you see how perfect everyone else's life appears on the screen and it makes you feel worse about yourself.   It's also easier to bully someone if you're not face to face.  Social Media is not a great thing for young people". 

* don't we all see older people behaving pretty badly on social media as well 

  

BOOM. 

    It's not lost on me that I have at times absolutely been a helicopter mom.  Funny thing -  I have always been a fierce protector of my children and despite all those efforts I have not been able to keep them from  experiencing some  hard realities life throws at you.   Something I think I got right - they were given responsibilities and expected to pull their weight around the house and in their places of employ and at school.  There were consequences if they didn't.    I'm very lucky that despite handing them those phones at a fairly young age, and admittedly because it helped me keep in touch with them and keep my own anxiety in check regarding their whereabouts,  we have managed to make it through those years and into adulthood without some of the real damage this new way of being has  apparently caused so many young people. 

  Note:  Depression and Anxiety among other mental health issues is a very real thing, I'm not making light of it.  I deal with anxiety myself, although thankfully it doesn't cripple me.  Genetics and environment play a role, too, and on this subject I am no expert. 

   What's the answer?  One thought I have - maybe the way we were raised didn't need much fixing.  Maybe doing everything for our kids is actually harming them instead of making life better than how we had it.   Maybe how we had it.. was pretty darn good.   As for those smartphones- well, it's real hard to go backwards when the tool itself is so useful in so many ways.  I hope we all figure it out before this next generation is ruined.  Sometimes, the new way isn't the best way.. 

   Till soon, friends -